The beast inside

[Fliptastic29]

Dark, Black, Beast,
answer my call,
for i am no longer afraid.
Why have you been running for so long?
I thought i lost you deep in the woods,
but then i saw your blood,
dripping so violently off the trees;
A dark red tapestry of your fear.
I once ran a long ways to get away from you,
but now the tables turn,
Yes i will,
i will strike you down,
for i have indured to many scars.
Go to sleep sweet beast,
go to sleep;
for sleep is what you need,
you've been awake to long,
a flame untouched;
I hear your cry,
I smell your fear,
I feel your pain,
Because as I kill you I kill myself,
slowly,
slowly kill myself,
For I am half evil and you are that part,
that part that i will always allow to endure...

[sarafina mable]

this is a great premise for a piece, the devil that is you at times. i think this could use a once over erasing all unnecesary word choices--see where that leads you. right now while it is a good idea and start, i think it could really be more effective if it was 'tightened' up a little.

"A dark red tapestry of your fear."
--i love this line! its so perfectly descriptive and unique.

"Go to sleep sweet beast,
go to sleep;
for sleep is what you need,"
--these particular lines came off a bit cheesy to me. i dont' know if its the wording, or the repetition.

"For I am half evil and you are that part,
that part that i will always allow to endure..."
--there is no way to not relate to this self-destructive pattern, of allowing your own evils to 'endure' you. although, we often feel as if we are 'enduring' them.